The 10 Worst Films In My DVD Collection (Part 2)

So, I'm always asked "What's your favorite movie," or "What are your top 10 desert island CDs" or "Do I have to get a restraining order?!"

The first two are always difficult to answer, because it's hard for me to pin down absolute favorites. It's easy, however, to recognize absolute crap, and that's what this post is about.

If you've known me for more than a month, you know that I have an extensive DVD collection, and that I often buy movies without actually having seen them first. However, for some reason, I can't bring myself to part with even the worst of the worst, taking a perverse sense of pride in knowing that these films are so bad, that I wouldn't even give them away for fear of retribution.

Here are the 10 Worst films I own, in descending order, finishing the list with 5 through 1:

5. 8mm

This is one of the first DVDs I ever bought, and I believe it might be the first movie I bought without ever having seen it. You would have thought that I'd learned my lesson, but even today I still make that same mistake over and over (see #3 on this very list). In any event, I usually like Nicolas Cage, but just cannot like this movie. Again, this is one of those movies where the elements of a film I usually like are there, but they're just not put together in the right way in this film. I've also developed a disdain for Joel Schumacher, who also directed The Lost Boys, and was responsible for Batman and Robin and Batman Forever, you know the movies with the bat nipples on the suits (as well as an inordinate amount of neon used throughout the film. I swore I would never watch another Schumacher film again, but then I saw...

4. The Number 23

I blame my wife, Target, and and my friend Dave from high school for me buying this movie. I knew better. I told myself "It's a Joel Schumacher film. Remember what happened with 8MM? Go buy a Renny Harlin movie if you want a bad movie. At least it will have Geena Davis, or a chick that looks suspiciously like Geena Davis, and how can you go wrong with that?" But no, I was curious, because my best friend in Junior High had some weird obsession with the number 23. Target had the movie for only $14, so even if it was bad, it had to be at least worth $14, right? But the clincher was my wife, who really wanted to see it (which she'll now vehemently deny, I'm sure). So once again Joel Schumacher has directed a travesty, and neither Jim Carrey nor Virginia Madsen can save this trainwreck of a movie that doesn't make one damned bit of sense. I imagine whomever wrote this uses a technique that my friend Jeff likes to call "Word Salad," where you just take a bunch of words, and mix them up, and assume what you'll produce is consumable. I'm on to you Schumacher. Never again.

3. The Punisher (2004)

Embarrassingly, this movie is the inspiration for this list. I just watched it last night. This is another one of those situations where I knew better, but I let my wife influence me. To be fair, it's not really her fault. When this movie came out in theatres, she expressed a passing interest in seeing, but I strongly suspect she was trying to placate me, thinking I would be interested in seeing it. However, I told her that if she wanted to see it, she would have to watch the 1989 version of The Punisher featuring Dolph "I Must Break You" Lundgren. Strangely, she never mentioned an interest in this film again. I was at Best Buy last week, and I was going through all the movies that were on sale, and I came across this one for $10. I was mildly interested in seeing it, knowing that it couldn't be anywhere near as bad as the first Punisher movie. Plus, it had a fairly extensive cast with Thomas Jane, John Travolta, Will Patton, Rebecca Romijn(-Stamos at that time), Roy Scheider, and the delectable Laura Herring. Early on in the movie, the wife started poking fun at it, and I started to get annoyed by it, wanting to give the movie a fair chance, but at some point, I just relented, and decided she was right to make fun of it. I don't know that there was anything likeable about this movie.

One other thing I'd like to note. The original Punisher is not on this list. As bad as it was, it deserves another viewing, but it may make an "honorable mention."

2. American Psycho 2

American Psycho was based on the novel by Bret Easton Ellis. I had a number of friends who read it in high school, and I read it shortly afterwards. I didn't think a movie could do it justice. But Christian Bale was so perfect as Patrick Bateman, a homicidal perfectionist whose love for Huey Lewis is unsurpassed. American Psycho is one of my favorite movies, and was just so well done. Then came the "sequel." American Psycho 2 stars Mila Kunis (That 70's Show, Family Guy) and William effing Shatner. That's right. Captain Kirk. TJ Hooker. I gave this one a fair shot, but it had the reputation of the first one to live up to. This one doesn't even deserve to be associated with American Psycho. It was just so ridiculously bad, and so poorly executed, I'm ashamed to admit I own this.

1. Sideways

Here we have the recipe for the perfect comedy movie. We start with Paul Giamatti, who was hilarious as PigVomit in Howard Stern's Private Parts, Thomas Haden Church, who played Lowell on Wings (and later would play The Sandman in Spider-Man 3), the always beautiful Virginia Madsen (although her filmography has its ups and downs), and some chick named Sandra Oh, whom I'd never heard of before.

It was directed by Alexander Payne, who is notorious for making films in his hometown (and mine) Omaha. Most memorable are Election and About Schmidt.

The quotes on the DVD cover call it:

• "The Best Comedy of the Year"
• "By Far The Year's Best American Movie"
• "A Comedy Masterpiece"

I call it

• "Crapola!"
• "Two Hours of My Life I'll Never Get Back!"
• "An Abomination Unto The Lord"

This craptacular crapfest was about a bunch of whiny thirty(plus)somethings who do nothing but drink wine and engage in painfully obviously unfulfilling relationships. Everyone in this movie is a depressing sad sack, and it just encouraged a bunch of people who know nothing about wine or healthy relationships to try and become experts in both. I'm not a wine drinker myself, but I have a lot of friends who are, and not a single one of them is a superficial bastard who will spend an entire evening talking about the fucking wine. Being able to recite something you read in a wine guide does not make you a fucking wine expert. I am less inclined to drink wine after watching this movie.

Do not watch this movie. Do not buy this movie. Don't even buy grapes right now.